I would let you put the blame on me.

So it is said
That He made man,
And after man he made woman.

It is also said
That in this time of great vulnerability
Woman was the first to succumb.

If you would be my Adam.
I would be your Eve.
And I would let you put the blame on me.

Oh, but the taste of this nectar-
Once its had there is no denying
The power behind it.

Without first understanding
The consequences it brought,
I invited you to follow suit.

If you would be my Adam,
I would be your Eve.
And I would let you put the blame on me.

Since that time we both gaped
At how everything was delicate
And crumbled around us.

The security we once had
Was no longer there
And we felt we had no choice but to run.

If you would be my Adam,
I would be your Eve.
And I would let you put the blame on me.

Word of the day: Lovely.

Today has been one heck of a rollercoaster.

It started off with being at the beach and spending the day in the sun. It was lovely.
Then I came home to a message from my boss saying I was supposed to come in and asking where I was. Not so lovely.
Found out it was the bosses fault, because I requested off and he added me by mistake. Lovely!
Then, I find out that the first installment of rent is due within the next couple weeks that I didn't have. Not so lovely.

But, in the middle of my freak out session about work and money, I stumbled across an online writing program- one of those "work from home" things. Not only could it possibly help me with getting extra money, but many people have recommended it in order to start up a free-lance writing career. Which, of course, sounded lovely!

I am hoping to get a jump start on this tomorrow and see if this is worthwhile. It would also be really lovely during the school year so that I wouldn't have to worry about not having a car. I need prayers and crossed fingers about this. This could help me out in more than one area of life!!!

~Bridget Nicole

Our CD

I walked into the studio and welcomed the goosebumps when the air conditioning gave me a chill. I would need the cool air once I got done in here. I walked over to the stereo and put in our CD.

The first song was slow and sang about taking the leap that we were all scared to lose. I sat on the floor and stretched as I wondered how long I was going to feel that way. I could feel my muscles fighting the movement and the cold floor, but through free will I made them lay flat on the cold service in order to be shaped and molded.

The next song had a fast pace. He sang about confusion and needing to get it right, not having the words to say. I jumped and leaped and flew until my knees limbered. I didn't need to have words when I was in my studio. I moved my body and watched my message in the mirror.

The next was the song that we danced to the night we met. This song would forever be known as the red dress song.

I put on my tap shoes and found my way to the floor just in time for our favorite rock song. I loved the satisfying feeling of the metal hitting the ground and being able to produce any sound you wanted. I stomped and flitted to the beat.

The next song always made me slow down. I switched out my shoes and put on my lyrical shoes. They were so worn that it would be time for new ones soon. As I reached and twirled and contorted myself in ways that I couldn't keep up with, I got lost in the music. That's when I heard the door open.

You walked in with a single flower. I stopped instantly and ran to the stereo to turn it off.

"Were you just dancing to our CD?" you smirked and you slowly moved closer to me.

I felt my face getting hot. "You caught me," I managed as I tried to catch my breath.

"How often do you do this?" you asked me as you stopped one foot away from me.

"I have been doing it every day... for the past year." I couldn't stand to look at you so I walked toward my bag to grab my bottle of water. When I stood up again you were right behind me.

"Have I ever told you how beautiful you look when you lose yourself in your dancing?" Before I had the chance to say anything or protest, you handed me the flower. I looked at it and realized it was a lily. I looked back up at you. "I hadn't forgotten that lilies were your favorite, and I certainly didn't forget your promise to me. You told  me you needed a year to yourself. You might have been hoping I would walk away, but I am not giving up on you that easy."

You pulled me closer to you and before I fully understood what we were doing, I looked in the mirror and saw we were slow dancing. Never in my life had I felt such confusion, happiness, and... closure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Bridget Nicole

Return to Sender

The alarm went off and my eyes popped open. The sound was like a drill to the temple; I reached over and shut it off. I sat up in bed and felt like gravity was working against me. Then, I began to dig the palm of my hands into my eyes, almost as if to get the dreams to leave my vision. I throw back the covers and shuffle to the bathroom.

I look in the mirror and see nothing more than the compilation of a few restless nights of sleep. The bags under my eyes give me away.

I shuffle to the kitchen in order to make some coffee. It's been the only thing getting me through the day. I look out the kitchen window and see that it is pouring rain outside. I see every individual rain drop as they fall from the sky. They all go to the ground. It was as if they all spoke to me "go back to bed". The sky is crying for you, your work is not needed here.

I sit at the table and try to clear my head. What was it the therapist said? "Think of things to be thankful for. Do things that make you happy."

I looked out the window. "I guess this means I won't have to water the plants today." I looked out the window and realized I couldn't find comfort in much else. Why don't I just go back to bed?

I finished the last of my coffee and willed myself to stand. After what seemed like a two hour bath, I came back to the kitchen and did the only thing I could imagine doing.

I wrote you the letter that I wrote you every day, and put it on the growing pile of letters with no address.

Habits

I couldn't help it, you were becoming the worst sort of habit to me. I would see your name pop up and I would feel a sort of temporary relief. It was never enough.

I had to remind myself that we hadn't talked in weeks. It seemed like we talked every day, with the way I thought about you and went over past conversations in my mind. On special occasions, I even practiced out things that I wanted to say to you whenever the time is right. If I didn't practice, I didn't get it right. I knew you would see me as another girl you reeled in and worked your magic with. I was determined to stand out. I was going to be the right mix of everything. Outgoing, but cool. Talkative, but coy. Attractive, but humble.

I went through pictures of you and imagined you in those places. In some of them you were smiling, and I imagined that someone had told you a joke- instead of it being posed. I liked to imagine you were spontaneous. Some of them you seemed more distant. I could see where the shine wasn't in your eyes- the one that you get when you're onto something. You hid behind a veil when you were thinking and needed to process. I looked at your face and remembered every line and dimple. I couldn't help but let my gaze fall on your eyes. You didn't believe me when I claimed they were beautiful.

I looked down at my fingertips. They kept calling me to say something to you. Begging to bridge the gap. Give in to the temptation to be the first to say something. Say everything to him that had been on your mind. Like old times.

I looked up and saw that your name was no longer there. Another day passes and the silence grows longer. Some habits die hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~Bridget Nicole

Settling In

It's been a while since we moved, and there has been a lot going on. For one, I got two jobs. They have both been pretty interesting in their own ways. I have been working on my novel quite a bit and making a ton of progress. Yay! Ok, so I am tackling some of these thoughts individually.

Job #1 is with a restaurant not even two minutes driving distance from our house. It's called Eddie Ryans, and its a small privately owned place that is Irish themed. Its got all the classics from fish fries to pot roasts and everything inside it is green. Except from our uniforms. They are white with this weird little washed out blue stripe thing down the side... they kinda look like bowling shirts. Anyway. I for the most part have been working breakfasts there on the weekends because they only need one person on and I don't mind handling the slower shifts. Occasionally I also get an evening shift or two, but I have found that I prefer breakfast. It's been stressful at times because I have never been a sever before and they tend to throw people into situations without really preparing them. We had a meeting not too long ago because he didn't like how the servers were doing, but half of us were new and never properly trained. So, that was pretty interesting. Also, there is a minimal staff there so asking off is close to impossible.

Job #2 is with McDonalds. I gotta say, they have the most unflattering uniforms there. Not only does your butt look like it sags down to your ankles, but they make you wear hats. I don't think I have ever looked good in hats. Uniforms aside though, I like the way McDonalds trains. Its boring to begin with. They have you watch a bunch of videos on a computer screen and take little tests to make sure you got through everything. Then, they have you work in your area, basically shadowing someone. This is after you get a thorough tour of the building. Then, you work at your station with someone following you, to make sure that you're doing thing correctly and can answer questions that come up. Its pretty fast paced so your shifts never seem to last very long, which I like, because I don't want to feel like I am spending the entire day at work.

I am not sure which one I really like more because there are perks to each. But, I have realized that I am not going to get my car anytime soon. There just isn't any way that I am going to be able to save up enough in time, unless I manage to score an awesome job while I am at school. I am hoping to save up, but I don't know when I will actually have enough for the down payment plus all the extra stuff like insurance and payments. I am going to be looking into used cars but the same thing will probably apply for a while.

In a different area of life, I have been working on Savannah like there is no tomorrow. I printed out a hard copy of it. I managed to run out of black ink in the process, so I had to switch to blue ink part way through. (Doesn't matter much since no one else besides me will see it, right? ;)  ) I have edited about eighty pages so far and hope to have 100 done by the end of the week. I still have a lot to do to it before I am able to send it in, but I am thinking that process will probably happen during the school year. I will be so excited to see the finished product!

One thing that has been weighing on my mind more and more though has been what I want to do as far as my living situation. So many people have asked me "Will you be coming back here once you are done with schooling?" And I mean the answer for right now is yes, but that is mostly because I already have somewhere to live here. But if I really could do whatever I wanted, I could move somewhere totally new. How open should I be to working in a new area? This would all have to wait until I am a bit more financially stable and have a car (that always helps, right?) but its something to consider. The endless list of possibilities is really becoming more apparent to me as I think about how many different places I could be living in. I gotta keep my eyes open for different type job listings that I would be interested in, because finding the job that I want/need is going to be number one priority. Unless I can get a contract for my writing, of course ;)

And in other news: I have begun to drink coffee on a regular basis. Its pretty ironic that I never did while I was in school, even though college students are supposed to live off coffee. I guess its all the breakfast shifts and needing to be wide awake. And, on top of that, I have only been needing to sleep for about eight hours a day. Technically its all I have ever "needed" to get in one night, but I normally still would feel tired and insist on sleeping longer. Lately though, I can't seem to keep myself asleep for longer than eight, maybe nine hours. Its all good though. I forgot what it was like to have most of the day to yourself. Its pretty good for being productive.

I will end my essay of a post here. Although, you may see some more fiction writings relatively soon, possibly even a poem or two. :)

~Bridget Nicole

If you have heard the song "Come Round Soon" by Sara Bareilles, you'll get it.

The room was dark and the moonlight was shining through the window. The beams hit the keys like a spotlight and I lit up a cigarette. I swiped my fingers across the keys and listened to the music as is yelled out a cry of musical despair. I smiled as the rain started to fall. My fingers pranced to mimic the thunder. Living alone had its perks sometimes. My foot pumped while my fingers danced. I paused only to blow out some smoke and watch it swirl above my head.

Sometimes you had to watch out for yourself. Sometimes you had to live alone and not answer the door. Sometimes you have to light another cigarette and hope you don't get addicted just yet. And then sometimes you had to admit to yourself that maybe you missed them.

There was a hunger as I continued to pump music out the piano. Through my music I was going to send a message, even though there was no way he could hear me. I wanted things to be different and I really thought that they would be. I definitely had my guard up but I wanted him to sweep me off my feet and show me things had gotten better. I keep playing my music in the hopes that you would follow it to me. And that when you got here it would be as if nothing ever happened.

I lit up another one and decided not to care if I added another addiction to the list.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you haven't heard the song before:

~Bridget Nicole